poor levi

This poor kid. All he ever did was have sex with his girlfriend just like 99% of all American teenage boys except it just HAD TO BE the daughter of the dumb moose broad thrust upon us by John McCain so he had to get trotted out onstage at the RNC with a nice haircut after being felt up by that old dude and then was ambushed by the AP in his driveway and now, NOW, post-Bristol break-up, gets accosted while in his FUCKING TRUCK by the fine upstanding journalists of Good Morning America.

Last week, after news of their break-up, I was commenting to some friends that I feel bad for Levi and Bristol when someone said, “Well, do you feel bad for all the other teenagers who get knocked up?” Yes, I do! Don’t you? The only difference is that this whole terrible private ordeal was shoved into our face by McCain and the Palins and the Republicans going “Boy howdy ain’t it grand this teenager is pregnant and keeping the baby!” and the media concocting a sideshow out of something as complicatedly personal as accidental pregnancy. There was no need for politics at this point, and yet because of who these two kids were they were thrust into the spotlight and were made to become some sort of paragons of conservative virtue (what?!) because they were keeping the baby (Jamie-Lynn Spears was just a slut though).

So I do feel bad. I feel bad that these kids had to have their own private drama, in media res all the way to its seeming finish, played out in front us, what with our horrifying bloodthirsty culture of celebrity. They never asked for any of it. So yes. I’m sad about it. It’s a sad situation that just about anyone else could be in, provided that you are both teenagers with impeccable skin at the height of your sexy powers.

Actually, you know? Fuck Bristol; she couldn’t wait to whore herself out to Greta von Susteren. So she is asking for every little bit that comes her way. Levi on the other hand has never seemed like a famewhore (I guess it’s only in the Palin genes). Staniel and I were having a conversation last week where he asked, “Levi will probably right a tell-all, right? That’s the next move?” I highly doubt it, considering these douchehole journalists keep trekking all the way to Alaska to bombard him with questions when he’s standing in his driveway or just trying to go to the gym for Chrissake.

Although Levi, really, you could just, I dunno, not talk to them, honestly.

I’ve been trying to work through my Levi Johnston issues you guys I know sorry, and other than Louche Doucheness (though I contend he seems like a nice enough boy, just watch how sad he is IN HIS TRUCK), I never really understood my weird affection until I noticed the following comment on this post:

this is a real life tim riggins.

Thus explains the appeal.

So here starts my petition for Levi Johnston to star in the next season of Friday Night Lights. Or in a gay porn. Or even better! For a life away from the spotlight as he learns how to be a father and hopefully gets to grow up.

in defense of patrick stump

I know nothing about Fall Out Boy except that “Sugar, We’re Going Down” song is pretty catchy and they also have a song called “Thanks for the Mammries” or something. Also apparently people think Pete Wentz is attractive, which makes me want to puke all over your head, sir. Also, that guy is a total douche with his fucking eyeliner and dumb hair and penis phone pictures. There is probably nothing more narcissistic than taking a picture of yourself looking in a mirror while fondling your doodle. And the fact that he’s the heartthrob and the focal point of that band is upsetting when you consider the fact that Pete Wentz is the one who writes the ludicrous lyrics and comes up with titles like “This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arm’s Race.” I mean, wtf is that. People who can have sentences as song titles: Morrissey in the 80s. People who cannot: Pete Wentz, Morrissey not in the 80s.

Patrick Stump, probably because he is kind of dumpy, is the unsung hero of that band because he writes the anthemic melodies that gives their songs zip, and is a pretty good singer considering the ludicrous words that Wentz gives him to sing. The only reason why Fall Out Boy is a musically successful band is Stump; in pop music, the hooks are always more important than the lyrics, and when the disparity exists to the extent that it does in Fall Out Boy, that’s a good thing for the band.

Also, Stump seems like a pretty good dude, taking his second-banana status (EVEN THOUGH HE IS THE LEAD SINGER AND THE REASON WHY THAT BAND IS ANY “GOOD” AT ALL) in good stride because Wentzypoo seems like the fucking diva in that band, but also he has great taste and knows his shit:

As for soul music, from the start of my career as a singer I’d always looked to soul singers as the be all and end all. I performed Marvin Gaye songs in the high school battle of the bands and stuff like that. Marvin, Otis, Solomon, Ray, Jackie, these were all who I looked to for inspiration. They’re like the Hendrix, Clapton, Page, Vaughn, and Green of throats.

Good for you, Stump. Those are some excellent people to be inspired by. I have a lot of sympathy for this person, even though I’ve only heard 1.5 songs he’s ever sung.