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This past election cycle was probably the most entertaining I’ve ever experienced, getting sucked into the labyrinth of backstory and backbiting and conspiracy theories and frayed dynamics that occurred amongst the main candidates. This to me makes me understand why people read US Weekly except with people I actually am interested in. If there was a DC Weekly featuring beefcake shots of Howard Dean then sign me up, 52 weeks a year homey. But aside from the Hillary v. Obama spectacle that caused postmenstrual hysteria within almost every white woman and gay in America, the Democrats really only had Joe Biden to entertain the masses, and for the most part they were pretty successful on putting the muzzle on that guy. The Republicans had it all over DonkeyTown this year, and here’s why: the supporting cast.

Seriously not since Crash (the feel-good racist one, not carwoundsex) has there been an ensemble of characters so endlessly fascinating in their presentation as over-the-top trainwrecks who are attractively repellent in a cringe-worthy kind of way. For much of this we can thank Sarah Palin and her moose brood, sullying the good name of Alaska for at least the next 32 years. I mean that woman was such a machine of hilarity that America decided to watch 30 Rock for at least a week. And after the election, Palin had the good sense to not just go back to Alaska and, you know, do her job but instead KEEP ON TALKING IN ENDLESS NONSENSICAL SENTENCES while she made reindeer lasagna in her kitchen during an interview and presided over the genocide of turkeys/her political career and put on her Britney costume complete with Cheetohs and jugs of moonshine during a Republican Governor’s Ball held at a non-elitist Real American Motel 6 because that’s all they can afford anymore.

Then there’s this bald old whore. Shut the fuck up and keep writing books for Christian presses and selling snuff films and umbrella-terrorizing or at least try to win another Emmy I mean losing to James Spader all the time has got to be fucking embarrassing.

As much as I’d like for all of them to just go away, really I’d like to have the main players of GOP hilarity during the election to just move into a house and be documented for all eternity. Bristol and Levi should move in with Jamie-Lynn and Casey and they can be in-the-prime-of-their-lives gorgeous together before realizing they’ve wasted their louchely hot youth and maybe Bristol tries to flush a diaper down the toilet or something so Joe Sam Plumberbacher has to saunter in with a beer haze and plumbing tools he’s never even heard of while Sarah and Lynne dispense mom-advice because they are soooooo qualified and Todd Palin takes the boys out to shoot unicorns while riding snow machines because they’re not snowmobiles even though they’re the same thing.

On a sad note: I would totally have sex with Levi and Casey and Sam the Wurzel.


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