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Let’s make fun of America’s Unhappiest Cities, based on broad stereotype:

1. Portland, Oregon
Reasons to be unhappy: it’s too wet to wear birkenstocks; all the men look like Colin Meloy or Ben Gibbard (redundant)

2. St. Louis, Missouri
Reasons to be unhappy: could only afford one-half of the McDonald’s arch, which is the only thing anybody knows about St. Louis

3. New Orleans, Louisiana
Reasons to be unhappy: well, erm, uh…

4. Detroit, Michigan
Reasons to be unhappy: no one can afford to buy a car anymore; Motown was FIFTY years ago

5. Cleveland, Ohio
Reasons to be unhappy: Drew Carey

6. Jacksonville, Florida
Reasons to be unhappy: Florida

7. Las Vegas, Nevada
Reasons to be unhappy: neon; no one has money to gamble; casinos based on better cities remind Las Vegas that it sucks

8. Nashville/Davidson, Tennessee
Reasons to be unhappy: modern country music is fucking bullshit, you assholes

9. Cincinnati, Ohio
Reasons to be unhappy: doesn’t even have a Drew Carey; people actually have to go to Kentucky to get there

10. Atlanta, Georgia
Reasons to be unhappy: shitty sports teams; Jonathan Krohn

11. Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Reasons to be unhappy: IT IS SO FUCKING COLD YOU GUYS

12. Sacramento, California
Reasons to be unhappy: let’s say California’s major cities are the Jacksons; Sacramento is clearly Rebbie

13. Kansas City, Missouri
Reasons to be unhappy: not even named after the state they’re in; the Royals

14. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Reasons to be unhappy: internalized homophobia

15. Memphis, Tennessee
Reasons to be unhappy: every other building in Memphis is a rundown shack, seriously

16. Indianapolis, Indiana
Reasons to be unhappy: they built the Motor Speedway and imported Peyton Manning because they needed more rednecks

17. Louisville, Kentucky
Reasons to be unhappy: you can’t really LOVE a horse, unless you wanna be like that one dude who tried and died, on camera

18. Tucson, Arizona
Reasons to be unhappy: Arizona.

19. Minneapolis, Minnesota
Reasons to be unhappy: the Replacements are overrated; St. Paul is widely thought of as the prettier one

20. Seattle, Washington
Reasons to be unhappy: truthbombed by Courtney Love (“Don’t you get embarrassed that Seattle is famous for grunge, cappucino, and heroin?”)

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