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Category Archives: artists i don’t follow

Oh look, Calvin Johnson makes mixtapes. Now considering I find my Beat Happening records to be some of the biggest music purchase mistakes I’ve ever made (although I like “Let’s Kiss” I guess), the fact is that I am really intrigued by his girl group, soul, and c&w tapes. Even musicians I don’t particularly enjoy tend to have fantastic record collections. I would buy some of these tapes, but then I would have to say “I paid $10 for a mixtape by Calvin Johnson,” and I might as well stick a cock-shaped gun in my mouth and pull the jizztrigger right after those words are uttered.

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I know nothing about Fall Out Boy except that “Sugar, We’re Going Down” song is pretty catchy and they also have a song called “Thanks for the Mammries” or something. Also apparently people think Pete Wentz is attractive, which makes me want to puke all over your head, sir. Also, that guy is a total douche with his fucking eyeliner and dumb hair and penis phone pictures. There is probably nothing more narcissistic than taking a picture of yourself looking in a mirror while fondling your doodle. And the fact that he’s the heartthrob and the focal point of that band is upsetting when you consider the fact that Pete Wentz is the one who writes the ludicrous lyrics and comes up with titles like “This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arm’s Race.” I mean, wtf is that. People who can have sentences as song titles: Morrissey in the 80s. People who cannot: Pete Wentz, Morrissey not in the 80s.

Patrick Stump, probably because he is kind of dumpy, is the unsung hero of that band because he writes the anthemic melodies that gives their songs zip, and is a pretty good singer considering the ludicrous words that Wentz gives him to sing. The only reason why Fall Out Boy is a musically successful band is Stump; in pop music, the hooks are always more important than the lyrics, and when the disparity exists to the extent that it does in Fall Out Boy, that’s a good thing for the band.

Also, Stump seems like a pretty good dude, taking his second-banana status (EVEN THOUGH HE IS THE LEAD SINGER AND THE REASON WHY THAT BAND IS ANY “GOOD” AT ALL) in good stride because Wentzypoo seems like the fucking diva in that band, but also he has great taste and knows his shit:

As for soul music, from the start of my career as a singer I’d always looked to soul singers as the be all and end all. I performed Marvin Gaye songs in the high school battle of the bands and stuff like that. Marvin, Otis, Solomon, Ray, Jackie, these were all who I looked to for inspiration. They’re like the Hendrix, Clapton, Page, Vaughn, and Green of throats.

Good for you, Stump. Those are some excellent people to be inspired by. I have a lot of sympathy for this person, even though I’ve only heard 1.5 songs he’s ever sung.