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Category Archives: shut the hell up

The two dominant sounds of mainstream pop in 1999 were undoubtedly the melodic perkiness of teenpop (Britney, Aguilera, Backstreet Boys, and NSync) and the shouting misogyny of mook-rock (Limp Bizkit), while the underground saw the beginnings of the short-lived robo-synth hipster fagginess of electroclash (Le Tigre, Fischerspooner, Peaches). The ungodly spawn of this threesome is now making headway onto American pop radio a decade later in the form of the horribly named bands 3OH!3 and Cobra Starship. 3OH3+30H3

Pictured above is 3OH!3, named for the area code of their native Boulder, CO. Don’t they look like they come from Boulder, CO? And they make music that sounds like it too. (Doesn’t blondie look like beardo Jesse McCartney?)

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And this is Cobra Starship, named for no reason that I can see except that they contributed a song to the Snakes on a Plane soundtrack.

3OH!3’s “Don’t Trust Me” and Cobra Starship’s “Good Girls Go Bad” have both incredulously peaked at #7 on the Hot 100, which is apropos considering they both feature synth-fueled rave-ups supporting standard issue emo boy whine-vocals which undercut the bravado both songs/bands aim to project (main goal: treating girls like shit) while also shoe-horning cheerleader chant middle eighths that are completely unnecessary.

“Don’t Trust Me” is interesting in that in seems to aim for Lady GaGa-esque metajokeness and falls as flat as GaGa in the clever sweepstakes while also lacking her natural songwriting talent, but there’s something nearly breathtaking about the song’s (and the band’s) commitment to being Completely Wrong but sounding as if they’re Having Fun doing it. Sample lyric: “Don’t trust a ho/Never trust a ho/Won’t trust a ho/’Cause the ho won’t trust me.” Charming. And why would she?

“Good Girls Go Bad” is, in contrast, a joylessly shouty piece of braggadocio featuring actress Leighton Meester, who fulfills this song’s apparent need for a female voice to repeat the protagonist’s point of view, reinforcing his awesomeness (and her complete lack of agency, so who better than a Gossip Girl star?). Look, bravado is fun and great when people like Beyonce or Courtney Love or Tupac or even Toby fucking Keith do it, but this lead singer kid named Gabe Saporta? He has negative sexual charisma, so his boasts need a little bit more color to be convincing. And he doesn’t even provide that. Sample lyric: “I make them good girls go bad.” Oh? How? “You heard that I was trouble but you couldn’t resist?” Why is that?! “I make them good girls go bad.” Classic example of tell-not-show writing.

Both songs don’t hold a candle, however, to the repugnance of 3OH!3’s current song “Starstrukk,” which flopped so bad on release that they decided to do a remix with Katy Perry (as if this wasn’t hate-worthy enough). It sounds ugly, for one, and also has the jaw-dropping lines “I think I should know how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints out now/L-O-V-E’s just another word I never learned to pronounce.” This has none of the supposed Fun of their previous hit, and instead shows that any attempt at humor or self-awareness in “Don’t Trust Me” veiled exactly how much these two were actual sociopaths.

When I first heard these songs I thought, “Popped-collar music.” But these two bands’ self-presentation indicates how far scenesterism’s American Apparel
stunted-growth appeal has drifted into mainstream culture, now becoming Cool and Edgy. Because hipster men have always been misogynists (what do you think Exile In Guyville was reacting to?), and now the mooks are wearing the same clothes and highlighting the gross anti-woman subtleties of scene culture. And making it seem “fun.” 3OH!3 is much worse though; if Cobra Starship is just some frat dude hounding you at a bar thinking he’s all that (and calling you a bitch if you turn him down), 3OH!3 is that dude using his peculiar charm to bring you back to the house to get gang-raped. In your ears especially.

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I know she professes to be some kind of “performance artist,” but she’s gone too far this time.

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Video here. If you can make it past, oh, let’s say the one minute mark, you win unlimited blowjobs for life by Rachel Weisz and James McAvoy.

Jonah Goldberg, one of America’s greatest clowns, thinks that we shouldn’t bother trying to stop climate change because WHAT IF WE GET HIT BY A METEOR.

I’m going to use this line of reasoning all the time now. Why didn’t I pay my taxes? THE COMING METEOR, THAT’S WHY. Why did I kill Jonah Goldberg? I’d never killed anyone before, and I don’t want to miss a thing.

Also he calls Henry Louis Gates a black swan.

Oh good grief, Sam the Wurzelplumber:

At a state level, it’s up to them. I don’t want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary—it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do—what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.

UHHHHHHHHHH. “People” “don’t understand” “the dictionary”? I think we understand the dictionary just fine, guy. Let’s break it down for this craptard, shall we?

a) “Queer,” in “THE DICTIONARY,” means strange and unusual. Okay, point for you, Sam the Wurzmule. Never let it be said that I’m not being fair in our one-sided discourse.
b) “Queer” is “not a slur,” O RLY?! Why do you think gay people were originally called “queer” in the first place, hmmm???? For kicks?
c) You are the honkiest cracker that has ever lived.
d) You know how black people took the slur “nigger” and started using it? That’s kind of what happened with “queer,” you asshat.

Joe the Bacherspondent doesn’t really understand the reappropriation of language that has been of historical import in the identity politics of marginalized groups but oh, maybe that kind of thinking is too abstract and complex for poor widdle ole Joe perhaps. So maybe we should let him off the hook for not understanding COMPLICATED ISSUES, considering he thought he made $250,000 in his nonexistent plumbing business. DON’T CONFUZZLE SAMUEL.

I would like to know who these gay friends of his are. Like the gay people Sarah Palin said she knew, but that one is more obvious I mean she played basketball in Alaska for Chrissake, of course there was a lesbian or two there. But I mean…his name isn’t Joe, he isn’t actually a plumber, does this guy even HAVE kids? If he does, I can safely speak for the gay community and say, “We don’t want them around us either.” Look at Sam and the queers, coming together on this issue, ahem. And where are his kids?! Shouldn’t he be taking care of them instead of yapping to nobody?! Is that what all his jobs are for, to pay child support? TRY HARDER.

I will say though, that considering this bald old whore introduced this whole NOBAMA IZ A SOSHALIST! meme, that he’s fine with states deciding on gay marriage. States like Iowa and Massachusetts and Connecticut  and Vermont and maybe New Hampshire and Maine too, eh Joe?

Remember how I said that Levi Johnston didn’t seem like a famewhore and was being PESTERED by the media when he was just a sad broken-hearted kid?

WHOOPS, what a whore. A sexxxay whore, to be sure. But going on CBS and Tyra Banks and whatever the hell else to talk about this garbage when NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT (except for me, because this is my Us Weekly stories about, uh, people from The Hills?), well congratulations you guys, welcome to Joe the Plumber land. Though I still think Levi is less objectionable than the Palin clan as well as his horrible sister and his mother who is basically Angela Collette, considering Levi is Tim Riggins.

Best thing is the CBS anchor lady saying, “He says that he will either be an electrician like everyone else in his family, or maybe all this publicity will lead to a modeling or acting gig, which he is open to.”

GAYPORNGAYPORNGAYPORN *crosses fingers and then pukes on self*

This past election cycle was probably the most entertaining I’ve ever experienced, getting sucked into the labyrinth of backstory and backbiting and conspiracy theories and frayed dynamics that occurred amongst the main candidates. This to me makes me understand why people read US Weekly except with people I actually am interested in. If there was a DC Weekly featuring beefcake shots of Howard Dean then sign me up, 52 weeks a year homey. But aside from the Hillary v. Obama spectacle that caused postmenstrual hysteria within almost every white woman and gay in America, the Democrats really only had Joe Biden to entertain the masses, and for the most part they were pretty successful on putting the muzzle on that guy. The Republicans had it all over DonkeyTown this year, and here’s why: the supporting cast.

Seriously not since Crash (the feel-good racist one, not carwoundsex) has there been an ensemble of characters so endlessly fascinating in their presentation as over-the-top trainwrecks who are attractively repellent in a cringe-worthy kind of way. For much of this we can thank Sarah Palin and her moose brood, sullying the good name of Alaska for at least the next 32 years. I mean that woman was such a machine of hilarity that America decided to watch 30 Rock for at least a week. And after the election, Palin had the good sense to not just go back to Alaska and, you know, do her job but instead KEEP ON TALKING IN ENDLESS NONSENSICAL SENTENCES while she made reindeer lasagna in her kitchen during an interview and presided over the genocide of turkeys/her political career and put on her Britney costume complete with Cheetohs and jugs of moonshine during a Republican Governor’s Ball held at a non-elitist Real American Motel 6 because that’s all they can afford anymore.

Then there’s this bald old whore. Shut the fuck up and keep writing books for Christian presses and selling snuff films and umbrella-terrorizing or at least try to win another Emmy I mean losing to James Spader all the time has got to be fucking embarrassing.

As much as I’d like for all of them to just go away, really I’d like to have the main players of GOP hilarity during the election to just move into a house and be documented for all eternity. Bristol and Levi should move in with Jamie-Lynn and Casey and they can be in-the-prime-of-their-lives gorgeous together before realizing they’ve wasted their louchely hot youth and maybe Bristol tries to flush a diaper down the toilet or something so Joe Sam Plumberbacher has to saunter in with a beer haze and plumbing tools he’s never even heard of while Sarah and Lynne dispense mom-advice because they are soooooo qualified and Todd Palin takes the boys out to shoot unicorns while riding snow machines because they’re not snowmobiles even though they’re the same thing.

On a sad note: I would totally have sex with Levi and Casey and Sam the Wurzel.