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Category Archives: the palins (including levi)

Remember how I said that Levi Johnston didn’t seem like a famewhore and was being PESTERED by the media when he was just a sad broken-hearted kid?

WHOOPS, what a whore. A sexxxay whore, to be sure. But going on CBS and Tyra Banks and whatever the hell else to talk about this garbage when NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT (except for me, because this is my Us Weekly stories about, uh, people from The Hills?), well congratulations you guys, welcome to Joe the Plumber land. Though I still think Levi is less objectionable than the Palin clan as well as his horrible sister and his mother who is basically Angela Collette, considering Levi is Tim Riggins.

Best thing is the CBS anchor lady saying, “He says that he will either be an electrician like everyone else in his family, or maybe all this publicity will lead to a modeling or acting gig, which he is open to.”

GAYPORNGAYPORNGAYPORN *crosses fingers and then pukes on self*

This poor kid. All he ever did was have sex with his girlfriend just like 99% of all American teenage boys except it just HAD TO BE the daughter of the dumb moose broad thrust upon us by John McCain so he had to get trotted out onstage at the RNC with a nice haircut after being felt up by that old dude and then was ambushed by the AP in his driveway and now, NOW, post-Bristol break-up, gets accosted while in his FUCKING TRUCK by the fine upstanding journalists of Good Morning America.

Last week, after news of their break-up, I was commenting to some friends that I feel bad for Levi and Bristol when someone said, “Well, do you feel bad for all the other teenagers who get knocked up?” Yes, I do! Don’t you? The only difference is that this whole terrible private ordeal was shoved into our face by McCain and the Palins and the Republicans going “Boy howdy ain’t it grand this teenager is pregnant and keeping the baby!” and the media concocting a sideshow out of something as complicatedly personal as accidental pregnancy. There was no need for politics at this point, and yet because of who these two kids were they were thrust into the spotlight and were made to become some sort of paragons of conservative virtue (what?!) because they were keeping the baby (Jamie-Lynn Spears was just a slut though).

So I do feel bad. I feel bad that these kids had to have their own private drama, in media res all the way to its seeming finish, played out in front us, what with our horrifying bloodthirsty culture of celebrity. They never asked for any of it. So yes. I’m sad about it. It’s a sad situation that just about anyone else could be in, provided that you are both teenagers with impeccable skin at the height of your sexy powers.

Actually, you know? Fuck Bristol; she couldn’t wait to whore herself out to Greta von Susteren. So she is asking for every little bit that comes her way. Levi on the other hand has never seemed like a famewhore (I guess it’s only in the Palin genes). Staniel and I were having a conversation last week where he asked, “Levi will probably right a tell-all, right? That’s the next move?” I highly doubt it, considering these douchehole journalists keep trekking all the way to Alaska to bombard him with questions when he’s standing in his driveway or just trying to go to the gym for Chrissake.

Although Levi, really, you could just, I dunno, not talk to them, honestly.

I’ve been trying to work through my Levi Johnston issues you guys I know sorry, and other than Louche Doucheness (though I contend he seems like a nice enough boy, just watch how sad he is IN HIS TRUCK), I never really understood my weird affection until I noticed the following comment on this post:

this is a real life tim riggins.

Thus explains the appeal.

So here starts my petition for Levi Johnston to star in the next season of Friday Night Lights. Or in a gay porn. Or even better! For a life away from the spotlight as he learns how to be a father and hopefully gets to grow up.

A while ago I got suckered into that Fuckbook 25 Things No One Cares About You nonsense because I am a solipsistic douchebag. One of the things I wrote was this:

I don’t think men should carry tote bags or “manbags” (c’mon fellas, those are just big purses). I came to this notion while in Square Books in Oxford, MS, wondering if I should buy a tote bag (after consulting with Howorth, I ended up buying a shirt). Men should carry bags where the strap hangs at a diagonal, or backpacks, or else just use their damn pockets.

I stand by this sentiment, as awfully gender essentialist/heteronormative it may be, and give you this image as proof that I am right and you are wrong, male totebaggers:

tea6

(via)

This past election cycle was probably the most entertaining I’ve ever experienced, getting sucked into the labyrinth of backstory and backbiting and conspiracy theories and frayed dynamics that occurred amongst the main candidates. This to me makes me understand why people read US Weekly except with people I actually am interested in. If there was a DC Weekly featuring beefcake shots of Howard Dean then sign me up, 52 weeks a year homey. But aside from the Hillary v. Obama spectacle that caused postmenstrual hysteria within almost every white woman and gay in America, the Democrats really only had Joe Biden to entertain the masses, and for the most part they were pretty successful on putting the muzzle on that guy. The Republicans had it all over DonkeyTown this year, and here’s why: the supporting cast.

Seriously not since Crash (the feel-good racist one, not carwoundsex) has there been an ensemble of characters so endlessly fascinating in their presentation as over-the-top trainwrecks who are attractively repellent in a cringe-worthy kind of way. For much of this we can thank Sarah Palin and her moose brood, sullying the good name of Alaska for at least the next 32 years. I mean that woman was such a machine of hilarity that America decided to watch 30 Rock for at least a week. And after the election, Palin had the good sense to not just go back to Alaska and, you know, do her job but instead KEEP ON TALKING IN ENDLESS NONSENSICAL SENTENCES while she made reindeer lasagna in her kitchen during an interview and presided over the genocide of turkeys/her political career and put on her Britney costume complete with Cheetohs and jugs of moonshine during a Republican Governor’s Ball held at a non-elitist Real American Motel 6 because that’s all they can afford anymore.

Then there’s this bald old whore. Shut the fuck up and keep writing books for Christian presses and selling snuff films and umbrella-terrorizing or at least try to win another Emmy I mean losing to James Spader all the time has got to be fucking embarrassing.

As much as I’d like for all of them to just go away, really I’d like to have the main players of GOP hilarity during the election to just move into a house and be documented for all eternity. Bristol and Levi should move in with Jamie-Lynn and Casey and they can be in-the-prime-of-their-lives gorgeous together before realizing they’ve wasted their louchely hot youth and maybe Bristol tries to flush a diaper down the toilet or something so Joe Sam Plumberbacher has to saunter in with a beer haze and plumbing tools he’s never even heard of while Sarah and Lynne dispense mom-advice because they are soooooo qualified and Todd Palin takes the boys out to shoot unicorns while riding snow machines because they’re not snowmobiles even though they’re the same thing.

On a sad note: I would totally have sex with Levi and Casey and Sam the Wurzel.