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Category Archives: white people be racist

I seriously never go to parties. I am too lazy and indolent and sometimes-agoraphobic and definitely antisocial/misanthropic to go to parties generally-speaking.

On Saturday I went to a party where everyone went to Bennington. I once dated someone who went to Bennington. Basically, I’ve met some Bennington folk and they are nice but unfortunately they went to Bennington (you can use any East Coast liberal arts school in this over-generalizing reductive Mad Lib) and still act like they do. Also one of them called me a darkie. To my face! There was also an Asian DJ there so I wasn’t alone, except why do people still play The Knife at parties? Playing The Knife at parties = I don’t want to go to there.

On Friday it was Beth’s Thirtieth Birthday Party so I went and it was much more enjoyable and fun and lovely but everyone was one in a pair of hearts and I was the joker ESPECIALLY when Stan and I were outside smoking and some cute boy comes up to bum a cigarette and asks me, “Do I know you from Harvard?” I was ready to laugh in his face but it was too cute a face to laugh at so I composed myself, but can you imagine me being in Harvard? Stan said it made sense because I look like I could be Indian, which I think is only due to the beard which means I’ve been called an Indian by a Korean and an Arab by a honkie teenage model from Western Massachusetts. Should I shave? It’s TOO MOTHERFUCKING COLD OUT so I will keep it until spring.

But apparently this cute Harvard boy newbie who had no idea what the hell DUMBO is was hitting on me and I wasn’t sure it was happening because GEE that shit never happens! Stan said I could have had sex with him and he would have left if he thought I was interested. He didn’t think I was because he didn’t think Harvard boy was cute and this is why Stan is not a homosexualist. Godfuckingdammit, we decided that we should come up with a sign the next time I’m like AMSCRAY I AM TRYING TO WORK SOME GAME HERE, like


Some girl also hit on me but she was like “I have to go see my boyfriend” so whatever with that, I’m no homewrecker.